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Near Mount Misenum, Italy.
(Pompey and Menas enter from one side to the sound of drums and trumpets. Octavius Caesar, Mark Antony, Lepidus, Domitius Enobarbus, and Mecaenas enter from the other side with soldiers marching behind them)
Pompey: I have your hostages and you have mine. Let’s talk before we fight.
Octavius Caesar: It is better that we talk first. That’s why we sent you a letter, explaining our purpose in coming and offering a deal for peace. Now, if you’ve read the letter, let us know if it’s convinced you to put down your sword and take your soldiers back to Sicily. Otherwise, your soldiers will all have to die here.
Pompey: I say to the three of you, the sole rulers of this great world, the favorite tools of the gods, that I don’t know why my father’s death hasn’t been avenged by his son and friends. Julius Caesar saw you three working for my father before Julius was killed by Brutus in Philippi. What made Cassius plot against them? What made the honorable and honest Brutus, along with the rest of the army, rebel other than the fact that they didn’t want one man to rule over them? And that is why I’ve gathered my navy, a navy that is so large that the ocean is angry at me for making it carry all my ships. I will use my navy to punish Rome for disrespecting my father and not being more grateful to him.
Octavius Caesar: Take your time. Don’t say something you’ll regret.
Mark Antony: You can’t make us afraid of you just beause you have more ships than we do. You know that on land, we have more troops than you.
Pompey: On land, yes, you have more troops, but that’s because you took over my father’s land, just like the cuckoo bird takes over other birds’ nests. So stay on the land for as long as you can.
Lepidus. Please tell us – this is what we’re talking about right now – what do you think of the offer we sent you?
Octavius Caesar: There’s the main point.
Mark Antony: We’re not begging you, but you should think about our offer.
Octavius Caesar: You should also think about what will happen if you don’t take our offer.
Pompey: You have offered to give me the islands of Sicily and Sardinia if I will get rid of all pirates on the sea and send you a portion of the crops we grow. If I agree to this, we will not go to war.
Octavius Caesar, Mark Antony, and Lepidus: That’s our offer.
Pompey: You should know, then, that I came here willing to take your offer, but Mark Antony has irritated me. When your brother and Caesar were fighting, Antony, your mother came running to Sicily and I took her in.
Mark Antony: I have heard, Pompey, and I owe you a very large thanks for welcoming her.
Pompey: Shake my hand, Antony. I did’t think you would be here. (they shake)
Mark Antony: The beds in Egypt are soft. I wouldn’t have left if you hadn’t been trying to attack us. But I thank you for making me come because I’ve gained something from being back here.
Octavius Caesar: You look different since the last time I saw you.
Pompey: Well, I don’t know how these bad times have changed my looks, but I can tell you that bad times will never change my heart.
Lepidus: I’m glad we met together like this.
Pompey: Me too. So we have an agreement. Let’s write it down and sign it.
Octavius Caesar: That’s the next thing we’ll do.
Pompey: And we’ll throw feasts for each other before we leave. Let’s throw dice to see who will throw the first feast.
Mark Antony: I’ll throw the first feast, Pompey.
Pompey: No, Antony, throw the dice. But whether you go first or last, your fine Egyptian cooking will be the most famous. I heard Julius Caesar got fat by feasting in Egypt.
Mark Antony: You hear a lot of things.
Pompey: I don’t mean it in a bad way.
Mark Antony: Then I won’t argue.
Pompey: I’ve also heard that Apollodorus carried…
Domitius Enobarbus: You don’t have to say it. He did.
Pompey: What? Tell me the story.
Domitius Enobarbus: He carried Cleopatra to Julius Caesar on a mattress.
Pompey: Oh, I know you. How are you, soldier?
Domitius Enobarbus: I’m well. And it looks like I’m about to be even better with four feasts coming.
Pompey: Let me shake your hand. (they shake) I have seen you fight. I wish I could fight as well as you.
Domitius Enobarbus: Sir, I never liked you very much, but I have complimented you to others. The truth is, though, that you deserved ten times as many compliments as I gave you.
Pompey: I like your honesty. It works for you. I invite all of you to my ship. Will you lead the way, my lords?
Octavius Caesar, Mark Antony, Lepidus: You lead the way.
Pompey: Follow me.
(all exit except for Menas and Domitius Enobarbus)
Menas: (to himself) Your father, Pompey, would never had made an agreement with them. (to Domitius Enobarbus) I’ve met you before, sir.
Domitius Enobarbus: At sea, I think.
Menas: Right, at sea.
Domitius Enobarbus: You have done well for yourself on the sea.
Menas: And you on the land.
Domitius Enobarbus: I will compliment any man that compliments me, but it can’t be denied what I’ve done on land.
Menas: Neither can it be denied what I’ve done on the sea.
Domitius: Well, for your own good, you should deny one thing you’ve done on the sea. You’ve been a great pirate.
Menas: And you’ve been a great thief on the land.
Domitius Enobarbus: Well, that’s one thing I’ve done on land that I do deny. Shake my hand, Menas. (they shake) If our eyes could, they would arrest two thieves greeting each other here.
Menas: A man’s eyes can’t lie, no matter what his hands do and no matter what his hands steal.
Domitius Enobarbus: The eyes of a beautiful woman can lie.
Menas: That’s true. And women steal men’s hearts.
Domitius Enobarbus: We came here to fight you.
Menas: Well, I’m sorry it’s turned into a drinking party instead. Pompey’s going to party away everything he has tonight, along with his future.
Domitius Enobarbus: He won’t be able to get it back by crying about it later.
Menas: I know it. We didn’t think Mark Antony would be coming. Tell me, is he married to Cleopatra?
Domitius Enobarbus: Caesar’s sister is Octavia.
Menas: Right. She was married to Caius Marcellus.
Domitius Enobarbus: But now she’s married to Marcus Antonius.
Menas: Really?
Domitius Enobarbus: It’s true.
Menas: Then Antony and Caesar are tied together forever.
Domitius Enobarbus: I never could have guessed that it would happen.
Menas: It sounds to me like they got married just to bring Antony and Caesar together, rather than Antony and Octavia loving each other.
Domitius Enobarbus: That’s what I think. And I also think that the marriage that’s tying Antony and Caesar together will also be the thing that destroys the peace between them. Octavia is very holy and serious.
Menas: Well, who wouldn’t want a wife like that?
Domitius Enobarbus: Mark Antony, that’s who. He’s nothing like that. He’ll eventually return to Egypt and Octavia will be sad and that will make Caesar angry and, like I said, this marriage that has made Caesar and Antony friends, will be the reason they’ll fight again.
Menas: You might be right. Come on board our ship. I’ll give a toast to your health.
Domitius Enobarbus: I’ll take your toast. I’ve gotten used to drinking in Egypt.
Menas: Let’s go.
(they exit)
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