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Alexandria, Egypt. Cleopatra’s palace.
(Cleopatra, Charmian, Iras, and Alexas enter)
Cleopatra: Give me some music. Moody music is food for those who are in love.
Charmian, Iras, and Alexas: Here comes the music!
(Mardian enters)
Cleopatra: Never mind. Let’s play pool instead. Come on, Charmian.
Charmian: My arm is sore. You should play with Mardian.
Cleopatra: It’s just as well that a woman plays against a eunuch as against another woman. Come, Mardian. You’ll play with me, won’t you, sir?
Mardian: I’ll play as well as I can, madam.
Cleopatra: When the actor tries his best, but still doesn’t do well, I can have mercy on him. But I won’t have any mercy on you in this game, Mardian. There, look! It’s the river. I’ll go there with my fish-hook and pierce all the slimy jaws of the fish in it. I’ll pull them out of the water and pretend that every one of them is Antony. And I’ll say, “Ah ha! I’ve caught you.”
Charmian: Do you remember that time you made a bet with Antony about who could catch the most fish? You had your diver put a dead fish on his hook! He was so excited he got a bite, until he found out what you had done.
Cleopatra: Oh, now that was a good time! I laughed at him until he didn’t have any patience left. And that night I laughed at him until he got his patience back. And the next morning, I outdrank him and he passed out in his bed. Then I put my clothes on him and I wore his battle sword from Philippi. (a Messenger enters) Oh, a messenger from Rome! Shove your good news into my ears. It’s been too long since I had good news.
Messenger: Madam, madam…
Cleopatra: Antonius is dead! If you say that, you’ll kill me. But if you say he’s well, then I’ll reward you with gold and let you kiss my hand. Kings have been excited to kiss my hand, you know.
Messenger: First of all, madam, Antony is fine.
Cleopatra: You’ve earned your gold by saying that. But, sir, you’ll remember that some people say dead people are well, that they’ve gone to a better place. If that’s what you mean, then I’ll melt the gold I’m giving you and pour it down your bad-news-giving throat.
Messenger: Good madam, listen.
Cleopatra: Okay. I will listen. Go ahead. But your face doesn’t look like you’re bringing good news. If Antony is free and healthy, then you should look happier! If he is not well, then you should have come as a Fury, with snakes growing out of your head, and not as a man.
Messenger: Would you like to hear what I have to say?
Cleopatra: I have half a mind to hit you before you say anything. But if you say he is alive, or well, or friends with Caesar again, or at least not Caesar’s prisoner, then I’ll shower you with gold and pearls.
Messenger: Madam, I told you he’s fine.
Cleopatra: Good. That’s good of you to say.
Messenger: And he’s friends with Caesar.
Cleopatra: I can tell you’re telling the truth.
Messenger: In fact, he and Caesar are better friends now than they ever were.
Cleopatra: You’ll get even more money from me if you keep going like this.
Messenger: But, madam…
Cleopatra: I do not like “buts”. Your “but” cancels out all the good news that came before it. I curse “but”. “But” is the word that comes before horrible news. Please, friend, tell me everything, the good and the bad all together. He’s friends with Caesar and healthy and free and…
Messenger: No, madam, I never said he was free. He’s tied to Octavia.
Cleopatra: He’s tied to Octavia for what? What does he have to do for her?
Messenger: He has to go to bed with her.
Cleopatra: I’m going to faint, Charmian.
Messenger: Madam, he’s married to Octavia.
Cleopatra: Curse you! I hope you get the worst disease possible! (Cleopatra hits the Messenger and he falls to the ground)
Messenger: Good madam, control yourself.
Cleopatra: What did you say? Here. (she hits him again) You horrible villain! I’ll tear your eyes out! I’ll pull all the hair out of your head! (she hits him up and down in a flurry) I’ll whip you with wire and throw you in a pool of vinegar to make it sting more!
Messenger: Gracious madam, I just brought the news. I didn’t marry them.
Cleopatra: If you say they aren’t really married, I’ll give you a part of my kingdom and make you rich. If you say it isn’t so, I’ll forgive you and give you anything you ask for.
Messenger: He is married, madam.
Cleopatra: Oh, you rebel, you’ve lived long enough. (Cleopatra pulls a knife out of her clothes)
Messenger: I’ll run. What are you doing, madam? I’ve done nothing wrong. (Messenger exits)
Charmian: Good madam, control yourself. The messenger didn’t do anything wrong.
Cleopatra: Even some innocent people are struck by lightning once in a while. I wish Egypt would melt into the Nile River and that all the nice animals would turn into snakes! Call the messenger back in. Eventhough I’m still mad, I won’t bite him. Call him back in.
Charmian: He is afraid to come.
Cleopatra: I will not hurt him. (Charmian exits) It was not noble of me to hit someone below me, especially since I’m the one to blame for it all. (Charmian and the Messenger enter) Come here, sir. Even if it is the truth, it is never good to bring bad news. Let a hundred people tell the good news, but it’s better to let the bad news tell itself.
Messenger: I have only done my duty.
Cleopatra: Is he married? I can’t hate you more than I already do if you say “yes” again.
Messenger: He is married, madam.
Cleopatra: I wish the gods would make it so that you couldn’t talk anymore! Why do you keep saying that?
Messenger: Do you want me to lie, madam?
Cleopatra: Yes, I do. And I wish half of Egypt were underwater and filled up with snakes! Now go, get out of here. Even if you were Narcissus, you would still look like the ugliest man alive to me right now. He’s married?
Messenger: Forgive me, your highness.
Cleopatra: Is he married?
Messenger: Please don’t be offended by the fact that I don’t want to answer you. To punish me for making me tell you again seems very unfair. He is married to Octavia.
Cleopatra: Oh, it’s his fault, not yours. Get out of here. I don’t want to hear anything else you have to say. Keep your messages to yourself.
(Messenger exits)
Charmian: Calm down, my good highness.
Cleopatra: Whenever I complimened Antony, I was also insulting Julius Caesar.
Charmian: You’ve insulted Caesar’s memory many times, madam.
Cleopatra: I’m being paid back for that now. Lead me away. I feel faint. Oh, Iras, Charmian, it’s no use now. Go back to the messenger, good Alexas. Ask him about Octavia. Ask him what she looks like, how old she is, what her personality’s like, and the color of her hair. Go quickly and then come back and tell me. (Alexas exits) Let’s let Antony go from our lives forever. No, let’s not, Charmian. Though he’s like a monster sometimes, at other times he’s like the god Mars. Mardian, go tell Alexas to also ask the messenger how tall Octavia is. Feel sorry for me, Charmian, but don’t say anything. Lead me to my bedroom.
(all exit)
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